The Day My World Turned Upside Down

Andy in ICU at Saint Mary’s Hospital

On March 2nd my husband turned 56 years old. On March 4th he had a massive stroke in his sleep. We discovered this when he woke up and tried to get out of bed. When he called to me, I found him on the floor, and I was unable to move him. We were sleeping in separate beds that night because he was getting over a cold and didn’t want me to catch it. As I tried to lift him, I noticed his right side was unresponsive and I knew it was serious. He had a stroke. I told him I needed to call for help. I stepped out of the room because I didn’t want to scare him and dialed 911.

At the same time, I was having flash backs of when my father passed away, I didn’t want Andy to die and certainly not alone… it was the first of many times I would be pulled in multiple directions, wanting to be with him, but having to keep an eye out for the ambulance, while staying on the line with the 911 operator. Thinking back to that night, I now see this was foreshadowing as to what was to come … Having to be in two places at once, taking on the role of both Andy and Kim, trying to be supportive and there for him while trying to manage our finances, maintaining our home, keep our property and the business going.  Trying to juggle all this while constantly feeling judged by the hospital staff because I’m not at the hospital and now rehab center 24/7, while in theory trying to take care of myself as well. Physically I felt (feel) like I’m being pulled apart, emotionally I just shut down, then lack of sleep kicks in and I fall apart.

I always thought of myself as a strong person, but now I’m not so sure. I’m continuingly trying to figure out how to remain positive, after all one of my goals with Palisade Posh is to inspire people to go after their dreams no matter where they are in their life story. Life is short, live it… I’m finding it hard to be that inspiration at the moment. For Andy I’m always positive, always hopeful and pointing out when he talks about not being able to do something, I say perhaps not now but you will, it just takes time… I’m channeling all my positivity towards him, meanwhile behind closes doors I am struggling to keep it together.

But… tomorrow is another day, and back at it I will go, stealing myself from feeling judged, encouraging Andy and loving him with all my heart, figuring out how to be the warrior queen that I pretend I am.

To be continued….