Grief

Sunrise over the Grand Mesa, Palisade Colorado

Grief is a funny thing, and not in a great way. Ever since Andy’s Stroke I’ve been in a perpetual state of emotional chaos. One minute I think I’ve got it together and the next, I’m talking to a doctor and falling completely apart. My eyes have never leaked so much in my entire life.  The feelings range from deep sadness, utter despair, fear, and continuous worry about the future. I just can’t imagine our future and when I think of the past I cry again.

 When I think about our past together such intense sadness washes over me it is often too much to bear. I think about all the plans we had for the future, building out the farm, traveling, spending our retirement years in the country, gardening and enjoying our life in Palisade. Now, I have no idea what the future holds, I just know what we had is gone, what would have been is gone and what is to be is unimaginable. Hope, most days feels unobtainable and out of reach.

I try hard to remain positive, focusing on the fact that at least Andy is alive, he is talking, and his beautiful sense of humor remains in tacked. That his desire to walk and to work is strong and he is motivated to recover. But then he has a setback, another blood clot or a fall that causes him pain that hinders his progress. He becomes fixated on the pain, and I worry he can’t get passed it. His time at Craig hospital is limited, so making the most of his time there is key to his long-term success. Time is of the utmost importance and some days I feel it slipping away.

Last week, I hit my breaking point I think… mentally and emotionally I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I gave everything over to God, told him to take it all, my life as I saw it, what we had, our hopes for the future, everything.  Instead, I just focus on letting go, letting go of what was, what could have been and just accept that our life as we knew it and loved was over. I let go of my dreams of Palisade Posh, the farm and the beautiful life we had here in Palisade. This was probably one of my lowest points, I was empty, drained of all positivity, I was numb and emotionally shut down.

Shortly, thereafter, I had a tearful conversation with Andy’s Neuropsychologist. During our talk, he mentioned the word grief. The concept of grief was a revelation for me, suddenly the intense emotions made sense. I was grieving our lost life, our dreams and all that brought us joy. Understanding that I was grieving has helped me come to terms with our situation. Giving it all to God has helped me manage the emotional loss that is bringing all the sadness and despair.

I’ve also been leaning in on my religion beliefs, reminding myself that I trust Jesus. He has always been there for me, protecting, guiding and ensuring that everything works out in the end. Remembering this has helped me to find hope again. When I’ve encountered difficult times in the past, looking back I realize I’m always in a better place than when I started. Therefore, why would this present challenge be any different? I’m holding onto this thought as I work through my grief.